Family Estrangement - Maybe Not So Strange

Often misunderstood and stigmatized, family estrangement is often complex and exists across a diverse spectrum. Is distancing a normal response to abnormal family dynamics?

Photo by Noah Stillman on Unsplash

What is Estrangement?

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, estrangement is defined as:

• To remove from customary environment or associations

• To arouse especially mutual enmity or indifference in (someone) where there had formerly been love, affection, or friendliness

  
  

My definition of family estrangement:

• Disconnection or separation of varying degrees

• Loss of a relationship

• Intentional decline or withdrawal in emotional intimacy or vulnerability

• Disintegration of a familial relationship

• Having no contact, cutting off access to a person

• The ending or distancing of family relationships, whether emotional, physical, informational

Family Estrangement as a Spectrum, Rather than a Binary

Deciding to distance myself from my some of my family members did not occur overnight. It also was not my initial response to family conflict, betrayal, abuse, and dysfunction. It was ultimately my last resort - a decision that is complex and fluid, rather than fixed.

This post is my effort to offer insight to why people choose distance, to offer validation and compassion if you're needing to disconnect from a family member, and to talk about this in public to reduce the stigma and shame around this not-so-unusual phenomena.

In reality, family estrangement exists on a spectrum - meaning that there is a range of flavors or types of distancing-connecting with family member(s) from:

• Limited- or low-contact

• Occasional contact (such as holiday-only, annual family events)

• Physical-proximity-with-no-emotional-contact

• Emotional estrangement (such as withholding emotional depth and vulnerability)

• Temporary cut off

• Permanent cut off (no contact)

• Everything and anything in between

Distancing (whether physically or emotionally, or both) is a personal process that is developed and arrived at based on unique layers and factors, including relationship history, trauma, wounds, betrayals, repeated patterns of harm, safety (or lack of).

The ability to distance also can be impacted by age, autonomy or independence, reliance on a family member (financially, for example), disability, how resourced (or not) you are, and other vulnerabilities that might keep you stuck having to endure, suffer, or tolerate staying trapped in a relationship.

From my personal and professional experiences, family estrangement is a natural response to repeated betrayal, abuse, or dysfunctional dynamics between people in a family system. It is rarely an impulsive act based on a single event. And even if it was, this begs the question of how was this boundary necessary for you?

In my personal journey navigating family estrangement, I have grappled with the inner conflicts of opposing needs. Such inner battling seems to be a universally shared experience when considering or deciding to distance from family members.

Deciding to limit or stop contact with some of my family members came with waves of mixed emotions and responses. I wrestled with anger, guilt, sadness, grief, and loneliness. I switched back and forth between having compassion for my family members vs. feeling fiercely protective of myself to the point of seething anger.

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Part of me wanted to continue being understanding, patient, and accepting of their dysfunctional patterns, the harm and hurt, and betrayals. Part of me felt anxious and scared, like a child - actually, the young child within me - of speaking up or setting a boundary. Yet another part of me, which was growing stronger with many external supports, was saying, "Enough is enough!"

Listening to each part of myself has allowed me to recognize my need to set boundaries to protect myself and not "take it anymore" - the "it" being harassed, threatened, endangered, berated, belittled, minimized, dismissed, invalidated, gaslit, etc. over a prolonged period of time.

Processing the waves of mixed emotions while my internal compass nudged me to hold compassion from afar has not been easy, and I continue to have varying degrees of difficulty walking the line of loving detachment (more on this, below).

Family estrangement can be a controversial topic that's misunderstood and criticized - usually by those both inside and outside of the family system, by apparently concerned folks, by well-meaning but judging others, by helping professionals (i.e. other therapists!), or by the community and society at large.

Not long ago, I heard a beautiful question that resonated deeply: instead of asking (the guilt-tripping) question, "Why aren't you talking to your family? They're your family, after all," why are we not asking, "What happened to make you need to distance yourself from your family?" There are very real, reasonable, rational reasons why someone chooses family estrangement.

I spent over two decades making effortful attempts to change the dysfunctional dynamics in my family of origin. It's too complex to describe here, but long story short - I finally gained wisdom and courage to grieve, let go of what I won't get from my family, and what I cannot change or help.

Photo by Lalit Sahu on Unsplash

After focusing on healing (via therapy, spirituality, meditation, nature, loving friends, chosen family, and strengthening my relationship to my inner child), I ultimately realized and accepted that I cannot change others. But I can choose who gets access to me.

I can control myself and remove myself from a bad situation as best as I could.

Now, this might seem obvious, but it really took me over 20 years to not only come to terms with my powerlessness in affecting change in my family - but to learn that I can set boundaries which is an act of self-protection when others failed to protect or care for me, whether physically or emotionally .

Estrangement as a Process and an Empowered Action

Although I continue to titrate on the estrangement spectrum (it is not fixed for me), I feel less chaotic and devastated, and more at peace as I settle into acceptance.

It is an evolving experience that is wrought with varying intensities of self-doubt, guilt, confusion, grief, but also ever-growing strength, courage, love for self, compassion, nurturance, safety, tranquility.

My younger self (we'll call her mini Krystal) sighs with the fact that I am protecting her. I am stronger and resourced enough now to tend to these parts of myself - whether it's the grieving, sad, angry, scared, ashamed, or lonely parts. I try to listen deeply and tune inward when these painful emotions, or parts of myself, arise and ask to be tended to, comforted, reassured, and loved.

If you are struggling with setting boundaries with your family members, or others, I understand and hear you. It is an ever-changing and reasonable response to distance yourself (in whatever form you choose) from people who have repeatedly injured, ruptured your trust, or disregarded you. Betrayals, such as colluding with or enabling your abuser...or refusing any accountability), will test anyone's tolerance and put pressure on the relationship.

Strained relationships over time without genuine efforts to repair will inevitably lead to estrangement.

It is ok to choose yourself, to preserve and protect your spirit, to end a harmful cycle that does not seem to change. It is not selfish to choose healthy boundaries; it is an act of self-love and a powerful rejection of cycles of abuse or wounding.

Protecting my self - because some of my family members did not - keeps me whole, preserved, and still here today. If I don't do it, who will?

Loving Detachment

It is also possible to love someone from a safe(r) distance, if that is what you choose and want.

Loving detachment (aka detaching with love) is the practice of accepting someone or a situation as is. It includes creating distance, having boundaries, releasing my controlling behaviors, and having no ill will towards them from afar.

We can practice this form of healthy detachment, where you are soft in your heart while not expending energy or effort on things/people you cannot change. It is letting go of a need or impulse to control others, and instead allowing others the space and opportunity to live their lives and make their mistakes (and experience natural consequences as a result). Loving detachment keeps you grounded to what the current reality is, rather than attaching to a fantasy of a different reality.

This is a personal journey that is not for others to judge, but for you to listen compassionately within - to yourself (and your mini me, too).

I wish you all the best as you navigate the ebbs and flows of estrangement, but ultimately I wish you courage and power to love and prioritize yourself, your safety, and your well-being.

Photo of mini me