Embracing the Journey of Self-Love and Self-Worth Through Life's Eras

From people-pleasing to boundary-setting: How remembering your true Self helps you take up more space, reclaim your worth, and set limits that honor your spirit.

It's been a while since you've heard from me. I have been quiet, going inward more, recharging in the ways that feel good to me through rest, nature, meditation, and observation. Today I write about protecting my peace from those who feel entitled to my energy and are harmful. I share reflections from a place of rest that culminate into embodied empowerment, groundedness, and love of Self.

Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

Growing up, boundaries were a non-existent word and reality. Some of this is cultural to Asian families, but also on a micro level within my family environment. I acknowledge that my parents did the best they could, and probably better than their parent(s). This post isn't about blame or resentment, but moving the energy of anger into something beautiful and empowering. We all carry wounds and traumas, and this post doesn't focus on parents, but on reclaiming strength to love yourself enough to stand up, speak up, and set boundaries that honor you.

"Boundaries" might sound like a harsh, dirty word (for some), or maybe it seems too rigid - like a wall erected to keep everyone out. Or it might be exactly what's needed, no looking back. However, as I am learning through my personal healing journey, boundary is a loving word and action. It means that I get to stand up tall, centered, spread my arms out, take up space, and even twirl around in the comfort of my own zone and energy field. Boundaries can also sustain longer lasting relationships because one's wishes and parameters are respected.

You and I, and everyone, have a right to feel comfortable and safe.

People Pleasing as a Submit Response

Most of us grew up in a family system that demanded (on an unconscious level) the child adapt or adjust to the environment and oftentimes, the caregiver's needs, for the sake of attachment. Kids do what they need to do to survive and fit into the family structure; ingenious methods can form from childhood. Left unchecked or unconscious, these strategies continue into adulthood and can end up hurting our relationships and wholeness.

Some of you grew up learning to hold everything in by repressing emotions or needs in order to survive a family system where it was seriously unsafe to express yourself. Maybe being real or doing something totally normal for a kid (cry, ask for help, express sadness or upset) was punished with harsh words, yelling, belittling, the silent treatment, rejection, or abuse.

Photo Courtesy of Krystal Ying as a child

I grew up with a critical, overbearing, controlling parent who imposed endless critiques or launched verbal assaults should I express emotions or behaviors that upset them. It was also just normal to not speak up to my parent, because there was no spaciousness nor invitation.

As a result, over time, my adaptive strategy was to clamp down my needs, people please, not speak up, and internalize, because it was just easier to go along with others than "cause" disharmony or "make" people uncomfortable.

I learned to self-sacrifice for the sake of getting along with people. It fed this myth in my young mind that to be safe, I must not rock the boat.

However, this adaptation eventually caught up with me much like it does for other folx - an initially necessary coping mechanism ends up becoming unhelpful, dysfunctional, and detrimental. I became resentful because I wasn't speaking up, felt sad and guilty for pushing down my authentic self, or suffered because I was putting my needs last (heck, I didn't even know my needs before). I was betraying myself by ignoring and dismissing my wants, needs, preferences - that of younger parts of me, too.

Photo by Crazy Cake on Unsplash

I will share an embarrassing and minor (non-trauma) example of the extent of my people pleasing back in the day. One afternoon, my talkative next-door-neighbor came over to share some exciting news. However, I really had to pee and had already been holding it in. I did not want to cut him off in the middle of his joy. I whispered once or twice that "I have to use the restroom," but he kept talking to me nonstop - probably because he didn't hear my murmured attempt to speak up.

I eventually peed my pants because younger me did not want to upset or disappoint him by abruptly interrupting. Looking back now, I feel so much sadness and compassion for younger me - she was scared of possibly upsetting him by asserting a very valid biological need.

So, I've thankfully come a long way since this story. Next, I'll share what helped me along my path to reclaim my worth - and how mindful anger can be a vessel for self-empowerment and self-worth.

Mindful Anger as a Vessel for Empowered Action

When you people please for a long time and eventually realize you're sacrificing yourself, and then you start to set limits with people (like your parent), it doesn't typically result in applause (e.g. "WoW! I'm so proud of you for speaking up!") nor an agreement to your newly set limit.

Photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash

I had been doing my own healing work for over a decade when it became blatantly clear one day that I could stop submitting to my family members - stop taking their abuse - and it would be ok for me. I'd been working on self-worth and boundaries in therapy and reconnecting with my higher Self, which is a journey of self-love.

Anyway, I decided it was time to speak up and set boundaries (ohhh, bad word in my family!) with a couple of my family members. Also, becoming a mom has this way of fast tracking self-protection for the sake of my child and younger self.

After asserting a clear boundary that they're not allowed to visit me at my home (due to safety issues that I won't go into here), this family member blew up at me and tried to chew me to pieces via the usual tactics: guilt, shame, belittling, aggression, blame, and verbal abuse.

However, I'd already been working on my worth and reclaiming my right to stand up, take up space, and be safe and comfortable. I knew and believed in my heart that my needs mattered. I saw the volatile, outlandish reactions to my boundaries as deeply immature (their child self's rage). I was able to create distance physically, energetically, emotionally - where I observed their tantrum from a distance rather than becoming lured into the rampaging tornado like I had countless times before.

It was one of the first times I set a boundary with my family member and realized their bad reactions didn't need to affect me so much anymore.

Anger. I welcomed back Anger now as a friend, rather than an exiled foe. When turning to my anger and listening mindfully, curiously, intentionally, I was able to honor her voice and purpose. I learned to slow anger down to hear and heal, to illuminate all that had been shushed, sacrificed, and suppressed.

Photo by Ingo Doerrie on Unsplash

Through mindful anger, rather than uncontrolled and dissociated anger, I gradually cultivated ways to use this energy as a vessel for honoring my worth and speaking up. The powerful rising energy of anger can be harnessed if used skillfully and with practice to set and maintain boundaries that protect, sustain, and even break intergenerational trauma and patterns.

I am definitely still cultivating the skill of mindful, conscious anger, and sure have moments where I get lost or lose myself. What's different now is that when I feel anger rising up within my gut, chest, and throat, I now say, "I hear you, I see you, and I will protect us now." I can feel Anger settling down, my child parts relieved, validated, and loved. 💜

Anger has a way of forcing us to know our worth (often subconsciously at first)...its energy erupting and manifesting through words, actions, assertion of boundaries.

“She remembered who she was and the game changed.” ―Lalah Delia

Taking Up Space

Boundaries exist on a spectrum, just like most things in nature. Binaries are human-made. Boundaries can be rigid, sure, but they can also change and flex depending on the situation, person, or if they're honored or not by others. My boundaries have flexed or become rigid again depending on trust.

Lately, I have been enjoying and playing with another perspective that boundary is also how much space we take up. It's how fully we show up with our whole selves. It can cover the full range: from shrinking inward to expanding outward.

I am expansive, head up, sturdy-footed, palms out, a strong force that will take up space now. Yeah, I still have times when the good ol' adaptive strategy arises (thank you, people pleasing, but it's ok to speak up now), but I'm not beating myself up. It's ok. Change and growth take time, and is certainly not a linear process.

I hope that you, dear reader, know that you deserve to feel safe and comfortable. Your feelings and needs matter, and I hope that you, too, realize (if not now, then one day) that you deserve to take up space. Sometimes this is not quite a reality yet due to various reasons, but I want you to know that you deserve these things. All beings in this universe do.

If you enjoyed or resonated with this post, feel free to leave a comment below or contact me directly to inquire about working together. Wishing you peace, love, and wholeness on your journey. ☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ

Photo of Krystal (yours truly) playing with a bubble wand, taking up space and being authentically weird!